Little Laundry

The clothes that Kyndal wore in the hospital and her pink and white silky blanket sat in the bag from the funeral home in my room. I just knew it would be hard to look at those clothes, and wash them. I pull them out of the bag, and just sob. I start the washer, and add the soap. The washer looked so empty as I put those few items in. I spray the few stains that were on the clothes and my mom is there to hug me saying she is sorry we have to go through this. Even putting them into the dryer was hard. As mom brought them to me once they were dry, we both cry at how tiny the outfit is. I snap the onesie and lay it on my lap, still in shock that Kyndal will never wear this again, and that she was so small she fit into it just a few weeks ago. It was a newborn size, which I normally never buy, since my kids are normally so large. It fit her perfectly. The white sweater polka dotted dress was perfect. She looked warm and cozy in it. The cute white bow on the front of the dress screamed girly.. She wore a headband and huge flower in her hair the whole time we had her with us. She even had a wardrobe change half way through the professional pics just in case the mammoth of the pink flower was too much. I didnt think so.
Her outfit now sits in a beautiful white box that was given to us by some friends that says "always in our heart".. and then her name on it. Her special blankie sits on top not wanting to squish the outfit or other blanket.
We recieved this blanket from Debra at Kyndal's shower. It was pink and white polka dotted squares and white silky on the back. Case has3 special blankies and as soon as he saw this one he wanted it.. We packed it in our hospital suitcase along with a number of outfits and bows, socks and blankies. ( i just cant have my babies in those hospital onesies) As soon as she was delivered and had a bath, we wrapped her in that blanket and she stayed in it the whole time. It felt so warm and soft.
I asked Debra if she could find another blanket just like the one she gave us so she could be buried in the new one, and we could keep the one that she had been wrapped and held in. She was right near a target, and ventured in. With no luck, she went to another target. still no luck. she called a few other targets and it was discontinued. The shower wasnt that long ago and itwas on our registry. she even called the manufacturer.. and it was no longer being made. She spoke with one lady at Target and explained the situation. The lady promised debra that she would look for one. There was 1 blanket left, and Debra's mom went to get it for us. A tender mercy that the Lord provided. Sounds silly.. but I love that blanket.. and now no one else can.. cause Kyndal has the last one :)
The big pink flower that Kyndal wore most of the time was given to us by Rian the day we found out Kyndal was a girl. She brought pink cupcakes and this pink flower barrett. I wore it the day of my baby shower not having anything else pink to wear. It looked big in my hair, but I didnt mind. It was the flower we took with us to the hospital too, and she wore it. Then I wore it the day of Kyndals funeral. It is fun to look at that flower that is in my bathroom as I blowdry my hair.. a reminder of Kyndal.
Now that my makeup is on my face, and the kids are outta control, I'd better call this good for now. We are heading to the cemetary.. but first a stop to get some balloons for the kids to release for her. We are picking out pumpkins and going to the farmers market for some fruits and veggies.. ( that my kids wont eat by the way) Blades is working this afternoon, so we are doing our family home evening this morning..

Our Family Letter about Kyndal

This is the letter that Blades and I wrote to be read at Kyndals funeral.

We would like to thank you for sharing with us this special day for Kyndal and our family. Your love and support has meant so much to us. We hav been able to make this tragic event into a peaceful and calm blessing.

Kyndal was a very active baby from the beginning. At week 12 when I had my first ultrasound, we watched the little bean jumping around in my tummy on the screen. Even the technician was suprised at how much movement was happening. At week 19 we had another ultrasound and found out that she was a girl. Cori was in tears because we were hoping for a girl to bring some pink into our house full of blue. We wondered from there what she would look like. Blades thought she would be blonde and blue eyed like her brothers, and Cori was sure she would be dark haired like her mother.

As the pregnancy went on, she was constantly active. One night while Cori had just laid down for the night, it felt like Kyndal did a summersault in there. My whole body shook and it actually startled me. A few nights before her scheduled arrival, Blades made me a poptart and brought it to me in bed on a pink plate. I rested it on my belly, and watched it dance as Kyndal moved. We both watched and enjoyed the sight of this plate bouncing around. In late August we decided to switch doctors. A good friend had suggested Dr. Guzman and the moment we met him, we both felt so comfortable and at east with his care. His concern that Kyndal would be large was his first concern. He ordered extra ultrasounds to measure her growth, and he made a plan to deliver her at 37 weeks if her lungs were developed. He was worried that my uterus would get too large causing a potential risk during surgery.

We took Camden and Case to one of our last appointments so they could hear her heartbeat. The nurse let Camden squeeze the cold gel on my tummy. When Dr. Guzman came into the room, he knew why Kyndal was measuring larger than normal just by seeing her big brothers. We laughed as Dr. Guzman teased us that Kyndal would come out walking and talking and saying " Hi Dr Guzman.. where's my abacus?".

Time was getting close for Kyndals arrival and the list of honeydos was almost done. We were counting down the days before the amnio test was to be done. We were planning on delivery the next day as long as her lungs were ok. They monitoreed me and Kyndal before and after the test to make sure all was well. We waited anxiously for the results to come back, and found out that her lungs werent quite ready yet. They were close enough to deliver the next week without having to do another amnio. Cori cried for a moment, expecting Kyndal the next day, and we all wondered what we were going to do for a whole week. We started coming up with new projects like curtains and painting the crib.

Wednesday when Cori woke up she made sure Kyndal was moving around before getting out of bed as she always did. The day was pretty normal with errands and a trip to the park with the kids that evening. After dinner, Cori realized she hadnt felt Kyndal move much that day, although she was having small contractions. Blades gave her a blessing and we called the triage nurse to ask a few questions. She suggested Cori eat and drink something sweet, lay in a dark room and count how many times she felt her move in an hour. After loading up on Reese's and Junior Mints and laying there for 40 minutes, Cori still didnt feel her move. Blades was ready from the beginning to just go to the hospital, but Cori was certain if she just waited a few more minutes, she would feel Kyndal move. We left in a hurry and went to the hospital for monitoring. The drive there felt like we would never get to the hospital. The triage nurse hooked me up to a monitor, and struggled with finding her heartbeat. Dr Guzman was already at the hospital and came in to do an ultrasound. As he looked for a heartbeat and not finding one he hung his head down and silently whispered "no" with tears in his eyes. He cried with us and we couldnt believe our little Kyndal was gone. He gave us the option of going home for the evening, or delivering that night. We knew we couldnt make it home and then have to come back the next day. We called Cori's mom who was with the boys and she rushed down to the hospital. We also called Coris good friend Lari to be with Grandma so she wouldnt have to be alone during surgery. Dr. Guzman let us know that he would be there all night and just to let him know when we were ready for surgery. During that time, he called his mother who is also an OB, and explained the situation and asked what more he could of done. She assured him, that he had done all he could. In the short time we have known him we have become friends and he was concerened that he wouldnt be able to fully focus on the surgery at hand, so he called in one of his associates to assist him.

Kyndal was delivered at 3:26 am on October 8, 2009. Weighing 7 lbs, 14 oz and measuring 20 inches long. Blades was able to watch the surgery and saw Dr Guzman have to remove the cord from Kyndals neck. Cori got to take a quick peek at her and moments later Cori realized she didnt know the color of her hair yet and asked Blades to look for her. " she has dark hair" blades said.. Cori had won the bet. It took some time to decide on her name. We had a few favorites, but chose Kyndal Ann 2 week prior. Cori remembered that the meaning of Kyndal in our baby naming book means " quiet" . How appropriate for our baby.

Kyndal was able to be with us the entire time. Grandma gave Kyndal her first bath, a tradition that we were happy to continue. From then on, we were able to spend some time with her and look at her perfect body. It looked as though she would open her eyes at any moment. It gave us great comfort at how beautiful and perfect her body is. The time spent with her also gave us a spiritual connection with Kyndal. Blades was able to call a good friend to assist him in giving Kyndal a name and a blessing. She wore the same blessing dress as Cori did as an infant. She was blessed that her passing would bring more spiritual enlightenment to her family and that we would have a greater understanding of priesthood power and eternal families.

With the knowledge of the restored gospel, we know Kydnal is with a loving Heavenly Father. We never asked why this happened to Kyndal or our family. We just feel blessed to have a perfect daughter in heaven waiting for us/ We were married and sealed in the temple, and we were promised that we will be an eternal family.

When we explained to Camden and Case that Kyndal was back with our Heavenly Father, Camden said" so Heavenly Father is taking care of her now?" How sweet it was to hear those words from our 5 year old who also knows from going to Primary what a loving Heavenly Father we have. Case pointed to my tummy and said " baby gone?". We know the questions will come, but how grateful we are that our little family will be together forever.

We are grateful for the Drs and nurses who made us feel so comfortable, never rushing us and being so sensitive to our situation. We got great care and feel so blessed to have had a great experience at the hospital.

The prayers of family and friends have meant the world to us. We have never felt so calm and at peace about anything in our lives. The prayers are carrying us through this difficult time. Thank you to those who are serving our family. It is what the Lord would want and we appreciate your visits and prayers in our behalf. Thank you for sharing Kyndals special day with our family.

Kyndal.. we love you, miss you and cant wait to see you again.

Our love,

The Whites

Kyndal's Day

Kyndal Ann White's services:

Saturday, October 17th

9 am viewing

10 am service

LDS chapel on Ocotillo, East of Ironwood ( creekside building)

We cannot thank everyone for the prayers and service that are being given to our family. We have never felt so blessed in our lives. Keep the prayers coming, because it is helping more than I can tell you. I physically have felt so well. I would of never thought I would feel this well 5 days after surgery.

Kyndal Ann White

For those of you who havent heard, we lost Kyndal on Wed night. I hadnt felt her move much that day, and later in the evening, I called the nurse and she said for us to drink something sweet and to lay down to check how many times she was moving. After about 40 minutes I hadnt felt her at all... so we headed to the hospital. They couldnt find her heartbeat. Our Dr was on call and came to do an ultrasound. No heartbeat was found. They delivered her by csection at 3:26 am. As they were pulling her out, the cord was wrapped tightly around her neck. Blades saw them take it off of her and said it was very tight. We are still at the hospital for a few more days.

We feel very blessed.. She is an angel. She looks like she is sleeping and will wake up any minute. The more we have talked to my AMAZING dr, he explained also that my uteran wall was very thin, and if we would of waited much longer, my uterus could of ruptured, which would mean neither of us would of survived. I feel like she is the one that saved my life. We have two boys who need a mother.. as hard as it is to look at her and know that she is gone. With the knowledge of the gospel, we know we will see her again. Our Heavenly Father is taking care of her now.

More to blog about later, a photographer is on her way to take some great pictures.
We have the services planned for Saturday, Oct 17.. more info to come as it gets closer. We have had so much support and love shown to us. We feel very blessed and honored to have been blessed with this beautiful baby girl...

She has dark hair :)

Like Father like Son(s) & Daughter???

We took the kids to the Dr with us a few weeks ago. They got to squeeze the gel on my tummy to listen to her heartbeat and they had a great time. It was fun to take them.

Walking into the Dr's office

Camden giving my tummy a kiss.

top view of my tummy

Thought these pictures were too cute not to share! Blades and I were chatting the other night about what Kyndal might look like. I think she will be dark like me, but Blades thinks she will be blonde. He has two that look like him.. it's my turn!!!

Camden's Birthday Bash

5 years ago.. Camden entered our family. How cute was he??

9 lbs, 6 oz..

Our world was about to be turned upside down...

He is still pretty cute! Although he is a mischevious little guy..
So there are lots of pictures here.. Sorry if its too much.. just scrowl ahead, or stalk another blog.. ha ha... The pictures are backwards, but the friday before his actual birthday, we had a few of his friends over to decorate cupcakes, have a pinata and a few games. It was fun. We were planning on leaving for Vegas the next day, but ended up cleaning up the party mess, and driving through the night.. I shouldnt say we... Blades drove! My birthday is a few days before Camden's and we had a combined party at my dads house. BBQ and cake.. swimming and fun. On Camdens acutal bday we went to Circus Circus. Lots of fun.. and brought back lots of memories of being a kid in Vegas. He had oreo cookies at school and every time we checked the mail he thought there must be something in there for him. His birthday was dragged out for more than a week.!! I cant believe I have a 5 year old!

Case on the horse at circus circus

a classic circus circus game.. one of my favorites.. blow up the balloon with a water gun.. win a prize.. ( we came home with TOO many new stuffed animals)

Camden and Kyla riding this Frog jumper thing. It shot them up into the air.

a little roller coaster. Case didnt ride one more ride after this one

Michael, Blades, Pat, Dad, Joann playing Texas holdem.. all for fun.. all for fun!

more gifts!

Camden and Cori blowing out candles. Kyla waiting for a piece too

Case swimmin on the steps

This doesnt look like fun to me, but Camden was in heaven

All camden wanted was these hats, some blow horns and a pinata

yummy pirate cupcakes.. Case enjoying all the sprinkles

opening gifts

whacking at the pinata.. it just had opened.. kids going in for the loot

Happy Birthday Camden